Life Lessons From a Bachelor’s Party

Pismo Beach, CA


Recently I was at a bachelor’s party in Pismo Beach in the Central Coast of California. The party, which spanned four whole days, certainly had all the elements of a traditional bachelor’s party: beer, poker, whiskey, belligerence, sports, high fives, sausage fests, violent movies, outdoor activities, and a lot of one dollar bills. Besides all that, there were still some valuable lessons or epiphanies that I discovered about life and myself.

Shots Are Gross and Unnecessary

There really isn’t any reason to take shots when you’ve already been drinking and feeling buzzed—unless you’re a big fan of vomiting. Taking shots early isn’t bad, but late at night, you’re already drunk, it’s just going to put you over the edge. I saw my brother buy a round of shots and I ran. I don’t care if I’m a wussy, vomiting is dumb.

Clubs Suck

I’m glad we didn’t go into a club. We were about to, but I said something to the effect of “Oh god no. If I died and had to go to hell, that’s where God would send me.” Clubs are the worst. Overcrowded to the point it will take you ten minutes to get from one end to the other, full of douchebags, stupid lasers, and you can’t hear anything. We were nine sausages deep and that would have been awkward. Good thing we went to a bar across the street with live music instead.

Running is the Best Way to See a Town

We rented a gorgeous Airbnb house a block away from the ocean. Initially there were a lot of activities planned. There was the kayaking by the sea caves; the three-hour whale watching tour; the booze cruise; and there was the ATV by the dunes near the beach. None of this happened of course, because who has time to do any of this when you’re hungover? Instead, my cousin and I went for a long run through Pismo Beach overlooking the cliffs and the Pacific Ocean. On the way, we saw tiny seaside coffee shops and restaurants and beach cruisers and people waking up early to look out into the beach. I didn’t really get a feel for the town until I went running through it.

Dads Have More Energy

About half the guys recently had children within the last five years. They were the most excited about the trip, not because they wanted to party, but because they could finally get away and get some sleep. But something strange happened: their habit of not getting any sleep kept them up and they ended up awake all night playing poker. The none-dads knocked out earlier.

Some People Have Amazing Party Skills From Another Life

You know when birds regurgitate their food and feed it to feed their young? Picture a guy doing that in the middle of a crowded bar and putting that regurgitated food (read: vomit) slowly and repeatedly into an empty corona bottle. Or the ability to sleep while standing up almost like Bernie from the movie Weekend at Bernie’s. These are all skills learned from my cousin-in-law. The skills of a former party animal.

MacGruber is a Terrible Movie to Quote

We like quoting movies. Sometimes it’s awesome and appropriate, like when quoting Sicario “Welcome to Juarez!” while shooting each other with paintballs. Some movies however, should not be quoted, especially in public places like the middle of the street. The bachelor, let’s call him Ken (but his real name is Kris) was quoting that scene from MacGruber to any random stranger that passed by. The scene went like this:

Him: Who’s dick do you want me to suck? This guy’s dick? [points to some random stranger next to him]

Me: Dude stop.

Him: Who’s dick? This guy’s dick? I’ll suck your dick.

Me: Oh my god dude please stop. You’re going to get your ass kicked.

Him: I’ll rip as many throats, suck as many dick.

Me: [Talking to my brother] Oh my god, he’s going to get his ass kicked.

Bro: Ignore him and let him get his ass kicked. He needs to learn.

Usher Was Right

Usher (or “Ur-sher”) had a great point: Just because somebody dances on a po’ doesn’t mean they’re a ho’.

Shorty, I don’t mind.


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