The Faileo Diet

I’m pretty sure cavemen ate this.


There’s only been one diet that has truly worked for me and that is the faileo diet. What is the faileo diet, you ask? Let me tell you, my modern human friend! It is exactly like being on the paleo diet, except that you’re failing at it.

What is the paleo diet in the first place? Well, according to me typing “paleo diet” on Google just now, the paleo diet is “a diet based on the types of foods presumed to have been eaten by early humans, consisting chiefly of meat, fish, vegetables, and fruit, and excluding dairy or grain products and processed food.” Sounds pretty healthy doesn’t it? It sure is. But it doesn’t stop there. I took it to the next level, bro. I took it to faileo.

The faileo level takes months, even years, to get to. You must first master paleo before you can even begin the next level of faileo. When I first started paleo years ago, I couldn’t even imagine there was a next level. The first two weeks of paleo where I ate no carbs were the hardest. Then I slowly adjusted to it becoming normal. A few months of that and I felt great. Really really great. But then I thought, how can I take this to the next level? How can I take it to faileo.

The faileo level is where I love myself after lunch for eating a salad and having skipped breakfast, but hate myself after dinner for eating an entire pizza pie, ice cream and half a bottle of wine. It’s the level where I eat copious amounts of veggies and meat from wholefoods for a week, but on weekends I do something like combine four mcdoubles from McDonalds into a single quadruple quatraple mcdouble. Like this:

I’m pretty sure cavemen ate this.

I love all the principles of the paleo diet. In only following it when it’s convenient for me, I am succeeding in faileo. So go ‘head, skip a meal, cut processed foods, cut grains and carbs, stop eating bread. As long as you also eat an entire baguette, pizza, tub of ice cream, and mac and cheese whenever the opportunity presents itself. Only then you will truly succeed in faileo.

It’s not easy. You have to both love yourself and hate yourself in equal amounts for this to work. You may even love yourself and hate yourself in the same day. But isn’t life about balance? The answer is yes. Yes to faileo!

I can’t wait for publishers to offer me a book deal on this diet I invented.


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